Despite its title, today’s entry has nothing to do with Santa Claus. It’s about wedding receptions, and – specifically – the first big moment of the reception: the introduction of the wedding party.

In some cases, only the bride and groom are announced. But often, everybody from the Flower Girl to the Grandparents of the Bride are introduced by name – and these are names you really want to hear pronounced correctly. If the emcee is your deejay or band leader, he or she may have never met your family. This means you will have to help them master any tricky names, through the list you provide. I recommend phonetic spelling, with accents capitalized. (My name would be DAY-vid TANN-ner, for example.) Your emcee won’t care how the name is really spelled, only how to say it properly.

E-mail the list to your emcee in advance. Have them read the names back to you over the phone. Correct any errors and have them read it again. Also, have Mom or Sis go through the list for any omitted names. (I once introduced an entire wedding party, except for the bride’s parents – whose names were not on my list, and who were standing out in the hall through half of the First Dance. Talk about your “Woops!” moment – the very unhappy Dad still had my check!)

Give a copy of this list to your wedding coordinator (or to whomever is helping you line up for your big entrance.) Be sure everyone is in line, in the same order as their names appear on the list.

A “Woops!” moment probably won’t ruin your entire reception. But a smooth and successful introduction goes a very long way to putting your guests in the right spirit and to lowering your stress level (at least a little.)

To that end, maybe you should check that list three times.

A bride’s dad once told me that he only had 3 duties: 1. Show up, 2. Pay up, and 3. Shut up.

Now that’s a smart fellow!

Technically, he is also the nominal host of the wedding reception. But – if he knows what’s good for him – he won’t assume that such a title actually gives him any real authority.

He will know that, in the real world, the bride and her mom are the true key players. Most dads are relegated to providing emotional support (they tend to say “Yes, Dear” and “Whatever you think, Dear” a lot). They also are expected (under Provision 2 in the first paragraph) to dig deeply into what would have been their children’s inheritance, as the budget for the ceremony and reception approach – and often pass – the price of a medium-sized condominium. (Meanwhile, under Provision 3, they will have to also pretend not to notice that the king’s ransom they are spending (a.) comes with no guarantee – unlike the condo – and (b.) will be consumed by the wedding and reception at a rate – give or take – of $10,000 per hour.)

Because Dads adore their precious daughters so much, they are – as a rule – able to handle these jobs with remarkable aplomb. What really kills them is having to give their daughter’s hand in marriage to some scruffy (or altogether too slick) guy who will never in a million years deserve her.

And it is for handling this supreme sacrifice with a minimum of grouchiness and a maximum of grace, that old Dad deserves more kudos than he will ever get.

So brides, I know you’re busy. And I know you have a 1001 things on your minds. But – amid all that – be sure you remember that otherwise “forgotten” man of the nuptial process: your long-suffering (and usually – quietly suffering) Number One fan and first man in your life, your Dad.

Each bride who hires my band receives our Wedding Work Sheet. In addition to the names of the key players and a timeline for the event, it includes a section on Special Songs. These may be ethnic, regional, or school songs. Sometimes, they are just family favorites. But often – they are what elevates a pretty good reception to an unforgettable PAR-TAY.

And your music provider needs to know about them.

For example, Ohioans in general, and Ohio State alums in particular go ga-ga over “Hang On Sloopy,” a 1965 hit by the McCoys. When played as the dinner portion of the reception becomes dance time, it can fill the floor.

Many brides request disco songs like “I Will Survive” or “That’s The Way (Uh-huh, Uh-huh) I Like It”, which serve as a lure for all their sorority sisters – who seem to know every cheesy lyric – to come pouring onto the dance floor. (Other songs which also – for some reason – have this salubrious effect include “Build Me Up – Buttercup,” “Dancing Queen,” and Barry White’s “Can’t Get Enough Of Your Love.”)

One bride even asked me to bring a limbo stick. Apparently, that brief fad of the early 60s has survived at her family’s parties, becoming something of an institution. Sure enough, when the band and I started playing Chubby Checker’s “Limbo Rock,” we had an instant crowd.

Unfortunately, some brides forget to advise their music providers that their guests will expect these musical moments. Recently, I was only able to accommodate a request for “O Canada” from the Canadian side of the family (about half the room) because my wife and son are such hockey fanatics that I had learned the tune.

(Note To Brides With Canadian Relatives: “O Canada” is not part of many U.S. band’s standard repertoire.)

And neither are all of the other above-named songs. So – if your friends, family, and guests have these or similar favorites – be sure to give your band or deejay a heads-up in advance.

After all, if there is one special song can take your reception to heavenly heights, it would be a shame for its absence to leave you in “limbo.”

I recently received this e-mail:

My friend in Texas is renting a tent for her daughter’s wedding reception. They are expecting 300 guests who are BIG dancers. Is there a certain formula for the amount of square feet required per person?

Here was my response:

Donna,

Dance floors are usually laid down in 3-foot squares. One 3X3 square is the minimum for one couple, dancing cheek to cheek.

But the subliminal message to guests is that a big dance floor equals an expectation that lots of people will dance. So the bigger she makes it, the more she signals her desire for people to use it. If she really has a dancing crowd, she should make every effort to have space for as many as possible.

At Jewish weddings, virtually everybody participates in the Hora (a traditional circle dance.) Greek, Polish, Czech, Italian, and German weddings also get everyone from grandparents to toddlers on the dance floor at once. If you’ve got polkas or tarantellas planned, you’ll need even more room.

The Texas 2-Step, Cotton Eyed Joe, and Schottische also utilize a lot of dance floor. So if she is planning to teach her out-of-state guests some authentic Texas dances, she should have more dance floor, rather than less.

I hope this helps. All the best, Dave Tanner

(I hope it helps you, too.)

When the bride and groom are of different faiths, you should bring a measure of sensitivity to the proceedings, so that neither side is offended.

To that end, couples can profitably spend some time thinking about what might give offense and how to avoid it.

A lot of this comes down to what not to do. Mormons shun caffeine, so you might want to avoid coffee and colas. The traditional “Here Comes The Bride” and recessional music at Protestant weddings both have Anti-Semitic connections, and ought to be avoided at ceremonies where one side of the family is Jewish. And at any wedding where only one side of the family is Christian, you might want to substitute “in Your name we pray.”

However – you can go so far overboard in tip-toeing around potential sensitivities that you rob your wedding and reception of all its individual flavor. And nowhere is this more true than in obsessive worrying about the cultural and folk traditions at receptions.

At Greek receptions, when the “Zorba” music starts, everybody dances. Shouts of “Opa!” fill the room, and the entire evening morphs into a scene from “My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” And I for one – your Heartland-White Bread-Methobapterian – wouldn’t have it any other way.

Similarly, Jewish receptions feature their own traditional circle dance, the Hora. Repeatedly, I’ve had to urge Jewish brides not to omit this wonderful element of the evening. In the first place, I’ve never known anyone who was offended by it. Secondly, it’s just a dance – not a call to conversion. And finally, all the Jewish guests would be disappointed (if not offended) by its absence.

So by all means, do be sensitive to the fact that there are differing – and deeply held – beliefs among those you care for enough to invite to your wedding. Consult with your cleric or a wedding professional who is experienced in the potential problems you may face. Make a good faith effort to address their concerns.

But then – chill out! It’s your wedding. It should reflect your personality, and who you are. And you are the sum of all those cultural, ethnic, and religious ingredients that have made you unique. They are what give you your spice. If you remove all the spice from any dish, it becomes hopelessly bland.

And you don’t want a bland wedding, do you?

The momentum and flow of otherwise perfect wedding receptions come to a screeching halt, every time the bride disappears to change into her travel ensemble.

Why?

First of all, because the bride is the center of the wedding reception universe. She is Cinderella, Homecoming Queen, and Belle of the Ball, rolled into one. She is the reason for the whole party. (The groom would probably be just as happy to have departed right after the ceremony.)

Secondly, the bride never leaves alone to change clothes – she takes every other key female with her. Without Mom and the bridesmaids to keep the guests happy and engaged, the dance floor empties, the party spirit wilts, and guests start standing around, looking at their watches.

Which brings up reason number three: Tanner’s Law of Wardrobe Replacement dictates that the more “helpers” a bride has to assist her in changing clothes, the longer it takes. From the moment she leaves the reception with her entourage, until she returns, can often approach 30 minutes. No wonder the party dies.

For all these reasons, I favor brides staging the Great Escape in their wedding best. Depart in your limo in a shower of rose petals, rice, or bubbles. Savor every last moment in your gown. After all, it’s probably the most expensive dress you’ve ever worn. And you’re only planning to wear it once. So skip the costume change.

Believe me – your guests will thank you!

For many brides and grooms, pruning the guest list is the first real test of their marriage.

Guest lists have a tendency to grow and grow, until the harsh realities of limited seating space and costs per guest require (for most of us) some judicious “editing.”

What makes this process especially painful is the moment when bride and groom must choose between someone they both truly love and want to have present, and someone who – by blood or other relationship – they feel obligated to invite.

At such times, the question is often asked: “Do we really have to invite them?

And the one word answer is “no.” If you are the bride, you control the guest list.

That’s the good news. The bad news is, you are are also responsible for the consequences and repercussions of your decision.

One solution some of my couples choose is the Destination Wedding, where only the bride, groom, best man, maid of honor, and immediate families go to what will become the honeymoon location for a small ceremony. Other ready-made excuses for an “immediate family only” ceremony are choosing a small “boutique” hotel for the venue, or even having their event in the home of a close friend or relative.

A series of receptions, one for friends from work and school, another for family members, can follow. These are usually much more low-key and informal than a typical wedding reception, and give everyone the opportunity to feel included.

But there is one other reason you may not wish to invite a particular person, and it has nothing to do with limiting the size of your guest list. It may be a person whose behavior at such events has all too often been a source of embarrassment, or who has in some egregious way offended you.

Again – you don’t have to invite them. Indeed, I just worked with a bride who declined to invite her own father (for reasons he understood perfectly well.) But if not inviting them only creates a larger set of new problems, one solution may be to first have a blunt discussion with the person in question, detailing your expectations and eliciting a promise of good behavior. Then – at the event itself – you may be able to prevail upon a close friend or family member to “bird-dog” the problem child, monitoring their actions and inter-actions through the evening. (I have also known brides who had good luck by assigning their potentially troublesome guest to a limited official role – like working the bride’s table, or making sure of the head count on the out-of-town guests’ bus. Trusting them, even in a small way, paid dividends.)

In the real world, all of your guests have “problem” friends and relatives, too. If someone misbehaves at your event, no one is going to blame you. They will assign guilt where it belongs – on the offender. (And they will empathize with the no-win position inviting them put you in.)

But, at your wedding, nobody has the right to ruin your night. If there is someone whose mere presence will do just that, you may feel free – to paraphrase that master of the malapropism, Sam Goldwyn – to “include them out.”

Like most major cities, my town has some great downtown hotels and venues which are popular for wedding receptions. Unfortunately, they are a 30 to 45 minute drive from many of the suburban places of worship brides choose for their ceremonies.

In real terms, what this means is that guests from all over our metropolitan area must first trek out to the ‘burbs for the nuptials, then retrace their steps all the way back to the city center to be part of the reception. (And then afterwards, make yet another jaunt back home.)

Out-of-towners must bus from their host hotel to both sites, and then back again.

And time after time, I have seen that – the greater the distance between locations – the more chances there are for folks to get lost, delayed in traffic, or otherwise have their nerves frazzled.

For me, the solution is to keep the 3 key locations (ceremony site, reception site, and host hotel) as near to each other as possible.

If the ceremony site is crucial (a home church or college chapel, for instance), then I would suggest finding both a reception venue and host hotel nearby. And nothing is handier for your out-of-town guests than making their hotel and the reception site one and the same.

Conversely, if the reception site is most important, consider having the ceremony there as well.

Especially when one of your chosen sites is a considerable distance from where the majority of your guests will start and finish their day, I recommend moving them again as little as possible. (Take into account that – at most weddings – the guest list includes infants to elderly, as well some with mobility issues.)

How little? I can think of no circumstances where the driving time from hotel to ceremony, or ceremony to reception, should ever be more than 15 minutes. Even less is better.

If this requires compromising the bride’s vision of her special day, just remember: the only “perfect” wedding is one enjoyed by all the guests. Keeping their required relocations simple and quick makes them happy, giving you one less needless complication. And on your wedding day – that’s a really good thing.

At many receptions, the entire wedding party is announced by an emcee who has never met those he is introducing. This is one of the few times in the entire evening when everyone is guaranteed to be paying attention, putting pressure on the announcer.

Which brings me to what I call “The Von Zell Effect” (named for Harry Von Zell, who introduced Herbert Hoover to a nationwide radio audience with these words: “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States, Hoo-bert Hee-ver.”)

The Von Zell Effect states that – under pressure – any name which can be mispronounced, will be.

Now, if everyone in your bridal party has names like “Mike Smith,” you’re probably okay. But all it takes is one “Shanequia Levine” and you are guaranteed to break out in a cold sweat, just waiting to see if your emcee makes it through.

That is, you’ll be sweating it unless you have learned one very important fact: your emcee couldn’t care less how those names are spelled. He just needs to know how to pronounce them.

A few days before the event, determine which groomsmen and bridesmaids will be paired. Figure out your order of introduction. (Don’t forget the proud parents.)

Then, look at each and every name on the list. Simply put, is there any way to mispronounce some of the names? If so, write them phonetically. Be sure to also capitalize the dominant syllables, ie. shah-NEEK- kwee-yah and luh-VEEN (unless it’s luh-VINE.)

Type – don’t write – the list. Use a large size of type (16 or greater.) Afterwards, Email or fax the list to your emcee. By phone, go over the names – aloud – with him or her in advance of your event.

IMPORTANT: keep a copy of the list for yourself. Be sure that you line up everyone to be introduced in their proper order.

With a little advance preparation on your part, all of your guests will hear the names of your key players pronounced correctly. (Even Hoobert Heever!)

The band and I played this past weekend for a bridal couple who – musically – did just about everything right. If you have an upcoming wedding reception, you might consider repeating some of their choices. (It made for a great party!)

What did they do? Well, first of all, they had already seen the band at a wedding reception. A couple of years ago, they were guests at another similar event, and both made mental notes regarding the music. In my conversations with them, they pointed out that many of the same guests from the earlier party were invited to their reception. Having a band that had already shown the ability to please their friends gave them one less thing to worry about.

Secondly, they gave us plenty of advance notice regarding their musical favorites. By going to the Song List section of this website, they were able to pick out a dozen or so tunes they really wanted to hear. Then, by letting us know their choices, well in advance of their reception, we had time to be sure that we had every song fresh in our minds. (We have almost 300 songs in our repertoire, but only play 50 to 60 in a typical night. So some tunes go unplayed for months on end. Thanks to this couple’s foresight, we were able to work all of their favorites into the set lists of several jobs, thus ensuring that they were ready for “prime time.”)

Finally, they chose songs that would please most of their guests, most of the time. Given the age range of a typical wedding reception, it is virtually impossible to guarantee that everyone will love every single song. All you can do is try to please the majority of folks, the majority of the time. And that’s what this couple did. They avoided tunes that would have been certain to alienate their older guests, as well as cheesy songs that would have causes their younger friends to gag.

So – how did all their advance preparation pay off? Perfectly, that’s how.

I’ve never agreed with those who claim that “music makes the party.” But the wrong music, played at the wrong volume at the wrong time, can definitely ruin the event for some of your guests. This couple’s extra efforts made certain that wouldn’t happen. And their efforts went a long way to creating every bride’s most fervent hope: a perfect wedding reception.